Cycle of Abuse: Power & Control
Abuse is about power and control. The abuser uses abuse to control and dominate the survivor. The survivor may have spent years trying to become the perfect partner but the abuser always finds something wrong. The abuser is looking to find things wrong because the abuser needs reasons to dominate and abuse in order to feel they have control over the survivor.
The cycle of abuse is a pattern of behavior that abusers use to maintain control over the survivor. It is sometimes so predictable that the survivor knows what to expect, and may even instigate an incident to get the abuse over with.
A typical cycle starts with the abuser using verbal, physical, sexual, or other types of violence against the survivor. This sends the message that the abuser is in control and that something is wrong with the survivor who deserves this wrath.
The next step in the cycle of abuse is the apology or attempt to make up to the survivor to help insure there will be no serious consequences for the abuser’s behavior. The abuser may say, “I love you, you know I would never hurt you, but I can’t stand the thought of you … “. The abuser may try to gain sympathy, blame the violent behavior on the survivor or justify that the behavior was someone or something else’s fault such as alcohol (excuses).
The next cycle is “normal” behavior. This is the period where survivors may think that the abuser has changed or that maybe it really was their fault.
Fantasy is the next phase for many abusers. They fantasize about the injustices the survivor has committed towards them and dream about how they will get even and how they can hurt the survivor.
Following the fantasy stage, the abuser may go as far as setting-up scenarios such as sending the survivor on an errand and then accusing the survivor of having an affair while gone. The abuser may manipulate the survivor by playing mind tricks, such as hiding keys and when the survivor has given up all hope of finding them, the abuser puts them in plain site and accuses the survivor of being crazy.
The cycle starts over again with abuse.
Not all abusers follow these patterns exactly or in the same way. Abusers are often verbally abusive, dedicated to damaging the survivor’s self-esteem in each of the stages. Some abusers spend hardly any time in the apology stage or may have stopped apologizing years ago. Some abusers spend large amounts of time in the normal stage while others do not.
Stressors such as pregnancy, loss of employment, or death of family member can greatly increase the frequency and severity of abuse and reduce time spent in the “normal” cycle. Abusers need to feel they are in control and any threat to this feeling will cause the abuser to escalate dominance and violent behavior. Pregnancy is the second most dangerous time for a survivor in an abusive relationship (leaving the abuser is the most dangerous time).
During these cycles and usually early in the relationship many abusers will isolate the survivor by manipulating and sabotaging the survivor’s relationships with family and friends and may go as far as isolating the survivor geographically so the survivor is unable to leave. This is all part of the plan for the abuser to gain total power and control over the survivor.