Why She Doesn’t Leave
Note: Not all abusers are male and not all survivors are female. Domestic violence can be male on female, female on male, male on male and female on female. Because domestic violence is statistically much higher in male abuser and female survivor cases reported, we often refer to the abuser as “he”.
The most important thing to ask is “Why does he abuse?” By focusing on the survivor instead of the abuser we are unintentionally blaming the survivor for the abuse. Statements like “Why doesn’t she just leave?”, “I would never let my partner get away with that”, or “She is crazy if she goes back to him”, focus attention and responsibility for the abuse off the perpetrator and puts it directly on the survivor. Turning that responsibility from men who are perpetrating the violence to women, who are receiving it, is an example of the systematic oppression towards women in our culture that ensures violence against women.
Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for survivors. The survivor usually has an idea of how much danger she is in so it is very important to listen to her and not pressure her if she does not feel safe in leaving now. The best thing you can do for her is to help her remain as safe as possible in the relationship and be there for her if she leaves.
Many survivors stay in abusive relationships because the abuser has intentionally convinced them over time to believe that they are worthless, stupid, unbelievable, unemployable, crazy, unlovable, and incapable of making it without the abuser. Many abusers threaten the survivor with threats of killing or harming her, the children, family members or pets. Some abusers threaten to take the children, sabotage the survivor’s employment or reputation within the community or family. The abuser will use what ever is important or needed by the survivor to control her.
Realistically it is very difficult for any survivor to leave an abuser if she has limited resources even if she is not afraid the abuser will try to kill her. Safe housing, transportation, childcare, employment with a living wage, medical resources, and becoming a single parent are all real concerns.
The survivor may feel she needs to stay for the sake of the children or because she feels she has failed if she leaves. She may be holding onto hope that things will get better, the same hope that has helped her survive when things were bad before. He may have her believing that he loves her and that the violence is the fault of an outside agent such as alcohol or the abuser’s tragic childhood. The abuser may have convinced her that she is the only one who understands him and she is emotionally or financially responsible for him, he may have threatened suicide if she leaves him.
She may feel ashamed and not want anyone to find out about the abuse - the abuser has worked hard to make her believe it is her fault. Often the abuser has isolated the survivor, she may not have friends or family she can turn to. Sometimes family, friends, or other community members put pressure on her to stay and work things out. Although not responsible for the violence in her life, she has to figure out how to survive day to day if she stays, if it will escalate - and to what point - if she does leave, and if she can survive on her own.
If she is able to leave she may lose everything she and her children have, she may have to go into hiding, her children will probably have to change schools, lose their friends etc. Whether she stays or leaves, she will have to deal with the aftermath of anxiety and other emotional side effects violence has on human beings.
The reasons listed above are only some of the reasons a survivor may not leave an abusive relationship. They are also some of the reasons survivors go back to an abuser. It takes an average of five to nine times for a survivor to leave an abuser for the last time.