Healing from Abuse

Tips for Healing

After living in an abusive relationship, problems don’t end when victims escape their abuser. The attacks have left deep wounds that are difficult to heal, and require attention and continued effort. But recovery from abuse is possible. The healing process starts with recognizing how domestic violence impacts its survivors.

An abuse survivor requires time to heal on several levels, especially mentally and emotionally, with the average length of time taking around three years, but sometimes longer. Psychological scars left by emotional and verbal abuse are often more difficult to recover from than physical injuries. They often have lasting effects even after the relationship has ended. The survivor’s self-esteem is trampled in the course of being told repeatedly that she is worthless, stupid, untrustworthy, ugly or despised.

A survivor of any type of abuse needs to learn to accept and love themselves. No one is perfect. No one deserves abuse. Often after an abusive experience, the person doesn’t remember the person they were before the abuse or what they have to offer to loved ones and the world. Rediscovering yourself takes time and healing. It’s important to remember that the abuse is not and was not your responsibility. Responsibility belongs to the abuser.

Recovery from domestic violence is a step-by-step process; a journey no one should take alone. To recover from domestic violence, the survivor must:

• Stop blaming herself for what has happened — take responsibility for present and future choices.

• Stop isolating herself — reconnect with people in order to build a support network.

• Stop denying and minimizing feelings — she should learn how to understand and express herself with the help of a therapist.

• Stop identifying herself as a victim— take control of her life by joining a survivors’ support group.

• Stop the cycle of abuse — get herself and her children counseling to help heal psychological wounds and to learn healthy ways to function in the world.

Some suggested tools to help with the steps outlines above include:

• Write it down – when memories come up don’t try to suppress them. Writing can be a cathartic way for you to find another place to keep these traumatic memories. A journal can be a way for you to purge yourself of the nightmares.

• Surround yourself with friends. You probably withdrew from friends when you were being abused, now is the time to bring that support back into your life.

• Find a good support group. Share in your pain as well as the triumph of having finally left. Talking heals, but at the same time a professional counselor will be able to help you build your self esteem as well as build your new life.

• Get angry. Shout, scream, and NEVER blame yourself for what happened. In fact quite the opposite, begin congratulating yourself on having survived and gotten out of a potentially fatal situation.

• Start doing things that you enjoy, and that you are good at. This will help build your confidence in yourself as well as your self-esteem.

• Try not to rush into a new relationship. Give yourself time to adjust to life as a single person, before tying your identity to a new person. Learn to love yourself first. Try to gain more insight into the reasons you may have fallen for an abuser so you don’t repeat the pattern.

Domestic violence is a traumatic experience for its victims. Traumatic experiences produce emotional shock and other psychological problems. Do not underestimate what you have been through. The American Psychiatric Association has identified a specific type of mental distress common to survivors of trauma called post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. Common reactions to this kind of trauma include:

• Fear and anxiety — While normal responses to dangerous situations, fear and anxiety can become a permanent emotional state without professional help. Memories of the trauma can trigger intense anxiety and immobilize the survivor. Children may express their fears by becoming hyperactive, aggressive, develop phobias or revert to infantile behavior.

• Nightmares and flashbacks — Because the trauma is so shocking and different from normal everyday experiences, the mind cannot rid itself of unwanted and intrusive thoughts and images. Nightmares are especially common in children.

• Being in “danger mode” — Jitteriness, being easily startled or distracted, concentration problems, impatience and irritability are all common to being in a “heightened state of alert” and are part of one’s survival instinct. Children’s reactions tend to be expressed physically because they are less able to verbalize their feelings.

• Guilt, shame and blame — Survivors often blame themselves for allowing the abuse to occur and continue for as long as it did. Survivors feel guilty for allowing their children to be victimized. Sometimes others blame the survivors for allowing themselves to be victims. These emotions increase the survivor’s negative self-image and distrustful view of the world.

• Grief and depression — Feelings of loss, sadness and hopelessness are signs of depression. Crying spells, social withdrawal and suicidal thoughts are common when grieving over the loss and disappointment of a disastrous relationship.