Why do abusers abuse?
This is a difficult and complicated question. Most people do not abuse other people. For those that do it is a choice often inspired by learned behaviors and/or exasperated by personality disorders or other brain disorders. Abusers believe that they deserve power and control over others. They use abuse to control and retain that power.
Some abusers have been abused as children or have witnessed abuse growing up in their homes. They may have learned that violence is normal and expected. They may even make a conscience choice to become the abuser instead of the victim. It is important to recognize that not all children who were abused or witnessed abuse become abusers or victims. In fact many children growing up in these environments choose not to repeat history and may even dedicate themselves to helping others. However, many children do internalize the message that violence is acceptable.
Some abusers may have learned from an early age that being a bully or controlling others to get what they want pays. Their family or community saw nothing seriously wrong with their behavior and therefore may not have held them accountable. In fact, they may have been encouraged to display aggressive and tough behaviors and discouraged from nurturing, gentle or other behaviors seen as weak or feminine. These abusers may have been greatly influenced by their family’s and/or community’s high tolerance of violence and sexism.
Many abusers have little or no empathy for other people or certain groups of people. Some abusers view entire groups of people such as women, other ethnicities or homosexuals, etc. as less then human. Such abusers view people more like objects, not having a separate purpose, individual value or legitimate feelings. Abusers who treat people in this manner are very likely psychologically ill. They may have an antisocial (sociopathic, psychopathic) or narcissistic personality disorder, and they may have anger or impulse control issues and substance abuse issues on top of that. Such people feel totally justified in getting financial, sexual, or other benefits at the expense and pain of others. As an extreme example think of Hitler, he dehumanized whole groups of people and felt no remorse at the genocide he designed into action.
It is important to remember that personality or brain disorders, mental health issues, and or drug/alcohol issues do not a cause an abuser to abuse nor are they an excuse for abuse but they can exasperate it. Many people have such disorders as listed above but are not abusers. yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs of abuse, please reach out. There is help available.